my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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