Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
