Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
