she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
