what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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