Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
