I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
