I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
