if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
