kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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