After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
