Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
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