my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
