meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
