THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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