It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
