i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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