Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
The uberlube is also flammable
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
