I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
