What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
