it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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