Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
