new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
