Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
