I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
