I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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