hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
