Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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