Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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