She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
