her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
