I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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