he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
