You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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