cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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