i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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