Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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