Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got inside last night via doggy door
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
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