Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
