It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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