I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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