he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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