Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
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