she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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