He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
