Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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