I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
