How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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