Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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