I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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